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Do I have to wake up? I just woke up yesterday.
If you’ve ever used Urban Dictionary to compose or decipher a text, congratulations, you`re over 40.
I have the same thought when I watch horror flicks as when I watch my wedding videos. I should have known who the psycho was much sooner.
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
On your deathbed tell everyone "pray for me" then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says "pray harder next time."
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
You know what would make this Vodka & cranberry better? The Bahamas.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days..
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
There I was, watching a advertisement when a YouTube video rudely interrupts it...
First, Ray Rice. Now, Adrian Peterson. The prison football league is going to be off the chain this year.
Taco Tuesday sends a terrible message to our nation`s children. They need to know that tacos are always an option no matter what day it is.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend