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My wife and I are dieting now… and by dieting, I mean we’re not telling each other about the junk food we eat.
Whenever I`m on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON`T HANG UP" right as they`re hanging up & then not answer when they call back.
Lazy fact #128540162, You were too lazy to read that number.
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
I just drink until the sadness becomes hilarious.
Let`s lay in bed all day & trade sexual favors for trips to the fridge
There are 3 levels of pain. 1. Pain 2. Excruciating pain 3. Stepping on a Lego
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
Very few things upset my wife. So, it makes me feel rather special to be one of them.
This looks like a job for Superman! -unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
I make a great second impression.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn`t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
At what point will this meal make me happy, Ronald?
I may be wrong, but I doubt it.
I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade"