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that awkward moment when you`re scuba diving and you see Adele rolling in the deep.
Any of you girls wanna come over tonight for pizza and sex? ... I`m just kidding. There`s no pizza.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
There`s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Somebody needs to invent a voice-activated refrigerator on wheels.
The phrase "Go see your Ford dealer" means something completely different in Canada than the United States.
Families should be able to trade people, just like professional sports teams.
I roasted a turkey today, but I don`t think he got the jokes.
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
I just devoured a six inch from Subway and I`m still not satisfied. I get it ladies. I get it.
You`re never too old to ride in a radio flyer wagon but apparently you can be too fat.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.