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Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
Can anyone recommend a good movie to kinda listen to while I stare at my phone?
Is "drunk" an emotion? Because if it is, I am feeling SUPER emotional right now...
How do you get to be that guy who waves the chopsticks at the the orchestra? I feel like I could do that.
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
You know you`ve picked the right friends if no one has nominated you for the ice bucket challenge
I always try to behave but there are usually too many other options.
I don`t post a lot of personal statuses - but when I do it`s all about you ..
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
They called themselves geologists because stoners was already taken.
There is nothing more terrifying than sneezing while driving.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
I don`t think we appreciate this era enough. For instance, none of us will see old photos of our moms whoring it up on Instagram.
Full disclosure: All my statuses with less than 3 likes were made by my intern.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster