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I haven`t slept for three days, because that would be too long
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
Every semicolon I have ever used has been a complete guess
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
Iron man is a super hero, Iron woman is a command.
I ate too much salad over the weekend so I`m going on an Oreo cleanse today.
I just caught my husband smiling in his sleep. He`s going to pay for that later.
I don`t have to run faster than the lion. I just have to run faster than you.
Alcohol is not the answer, it just makes you forget the question.
GF - What`s that beeping? Me - Fasten Seatbelt Alarm. GF - How can you ignore something so annoying? Me - Huh?
I`ve started an exercise program. I do 20 sit-ups each morning. That may not sound like a lot, but you can only hit that snooze button so many times.
I don`t hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong...and a Tax is a fine for doing well
If someone toilet papered my house that would be great because I`m out of toilet paper.