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More food should come with prizes inside it.
As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
My dog was licking his balls. My friend said "I wish I could do that." I said "You better pet him first; he can be mean sometimes."
Don’t text and drive. You don’t want “lol” to be the last thing you say before you die.
FYI fellas: if you wake up with some chick and you can`t remember her name, take her to Starbucks. They`ll write her name on the cup for ya!!!
Whenever I pick my Grandma up from the airport, I leave my left blinker on during the entire drive so she feels more comfortable.
Due to inflation, a picture is now only worth 700 words.
We had a power outage last week and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately, so I had to talk to my family for a few hours. They seem like nice people.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.
More celebrities should donate blood. I mean, imagine having the blood of Will Smith running through your veins.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
When I grow up I wanna be a psychiatrist for the mentally insane...so i can find out what the hell is wrong with you people
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."