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If you need help moving I am one hundred percent there for you emotionally.
It has been brought to my attention that those stick figure decals on vehicles are not "kill" scores, but actually suppose to represent members of the family. I will be removing all my decals to avoid any further confusion.
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
Note to Self: Next time I leave my wife a message that I`m in a threesome all afternoon, specify it`s golf.
Boss: You`re on another break already? Me: No. This is the same one you saw me on an hour ago.
Maybe the reason Uncle Phil hated Will was because the first thing Will gave him was a $3700 cab ride bill from Philly to Bel-Air.
Bless me Father for I hit send.
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
My wife can find a stain on my shirt from across the room but can`t see the mailbox when she`s backing up?
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
Don`t look at me in that tone of voice...
Don`t EVER break a pinky promise. That sh!t is LEGIT.
I`ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.
Women are like bacon: they look good, they smell good, they taste good, and they will slowly kill you