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I left work in slow motion but it didn’t blow up behind me.
My wife said she wanted to feel special. So I gave her a helmet and some crayons. Perhaps I misunderstood her?
If I tell you I can`t text you because I`m driving it`s only because I`m also eating.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
Relationships, Marriages, work and children are what keep alcohol companies in business.
Sometimes late at night.. I dig a hole in the back yard by lantern light.. Sure keeps my nosy neighbors on their toes.. :|
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
Lame! I was tricked into watching PS, I Love You! It`s definitely NOT about a guy that marries his PlayStation.
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
If your online dating profile says "I don`t have sex on the first date" then that`s why you`re on a dating website.
"No, thanks. I`m a vegetarian." is a fun thing to say when someone hands you their baby.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
That moment of shame when an automatic door doesn`t open for you
Well, if you`re going to question my reputation and credentials as a gynecologist,I suggest you get the hell out of my office van.