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I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
Sorry but if these walls could talk I`m pretty sure they`d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you`re blowing out of proportion.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it.
One advantage of growing old is you don`t have to worry about hackers stealing your nude pics out of the cloud.
After a certain point, the `F` on the thermometer no longer stands for Fahrenheit.
Why would I dance like nobody`s watching? People need to see this.
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
As a kid, my parents told me I could be anyone I wanted to be. Turns out, this is called "Identity Theft".
Ahhh, the 4th of July. The day where trips to hospital start with the words "Hold my beer and watch this!"
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
All through school I assumed they saved the number 1 pencils for the smart kids
Elevator music bothers me on so many levels