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How the hell do you call Batman during the day?
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
Sometimes you`ve got to ask yourself: `Why am I talking to myself?`
If a single teacher can’t teach all the subjects then how could you expect a single student to learn all subjects.
You pay more attention to the TV than you do me! - Ma`am, do you want me to fix your cable or not?
If by `the Hamptons` you mean `my pajamas`, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons
I Hope I can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
It`s always awkward ending phone calls with loved ones. I always say, "I love you" and they`re like, "thank you for choosing Domino`s."
Sometimes you run into people who just make your day more bearable. Those people are called bartenders.
Some girls post the most depressing love sh!t that even I`m starting to miss their ex!!!
insert coin to view my status
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
I like working from home. It`s much more comfortable than sleeping in my cubicle.
It must suck to be an air conditioner repairman. You spend your day working in buildings that have no air conditioning. When it`s fixed and finally cool, you leave.