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Maybe I`m the good kind of fat like an avocado.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
The guy who invented wet t-shirt contests probably has no idea that shirts can just be taken off.
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
Guys write songs about girls they love. Girls write songs about guys they have broken up with
Teamwork means never having to take all the blame yourself.
I’M ENGAGED…..to be hungover tomorrow.
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
I enjoy a glass of Wine each night for it`s health benefits! The rest of the bottle is for my flawless dance moves, and to make you look more appealling!
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
I burned my mouth on my pizza and I feel this is a strong metaphor showing me that the ones we love can hurt us the most.
You know you had an awesome night when you need sunglasses to get food out the fridge.
Shoplifting is just undocumented shopping.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.