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Iām not drunk, Iām just exhausted from drinking all night.
How many "zero likes" do you have to get on Facebook before you realize nobody gives a crap about you
I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
You ever notice that the most dangerous thing about marijuana is getting caught with it?
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
If my body was a car, I`d trade it in for a newer model. Cause everytime I cough or sneeze, my radiator leeks and my exhaust backfires.
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
I hate people who say "Age is just a number" ā Age is clearly a word.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
The decline of civilization started when they stopped putting toys in boxes of cereal.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
If he`s dumb enough to send you a generic message in a mass text...be smart enough to reply to all "I still haven`t gotten my period."
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch