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I don`t know what`s scarier. Houses with Halloween decorations or houses that still have up Christmas decorations from last year.
Saw some idiot put a water bottle where the Pringles go on the treadmill.
What do you call a dog with no hind legs? Dragon Balls.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
Having children is a fantastic source of free labor.
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
Sarcasm is like a good game of chess. Most people don`t know how to play chess.
It`s so cold outside you can see your farts.
Attractive Woman: What time is it? Me: Haha. Yeah definitely
It`s not an attitude problem, it`s the way I am.
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Sometimes I use big words that I don’t fully understand in an effort to make myself sound more photosynthesis.
I think it`s about time Taylor Swift wrote a song called "Maybe I`m the Problem"
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
I used to question how much information was too much information. Joined Facebook, It`s much clearer now