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You never know what you are missing,until you clean your room.
The human body is roughly 60% water. I`m not fat, I`m flooded.
Some girls are so desperate. Who calls 3 times, leaves a voicemail, and sends a text?? Take a hint, mom.
That awkward moment when you make a Harry Potter reference and none of your Muggle friends get it.
I am starting to think I will never be old enough to know better.
My wife always laughs during sex – no matter what she’s reading.
Everytime someone says "Expect the unexpected" I like to punch them in the face and say "not as easy as it sounds, now is it?"
Is anyone else`s alcohol tolerance too high for their paycheck?
A piñata is NOT a good idea for a Halloween costume.
I hate being bipolar, it`s great .
Inspiration: nobody else knows what the hell they’re doing either.
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.
I remembered my wedding anniversary today. It was last week.