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Some days, the supply of available curse words is insufficient to meet my demands!
If you’re not fully satisfied with your life, do something about it. Or complain about it on the internet. Whatever you prefer.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
nothing says i love you like, "im going to buy you new duct tape for your taillight, what color you want? "
I know karate, jujitsu, judo, taekwondo and 28 other dangerous words. Still wanna` mess with me?
If you`re feeling powerless just remember a single one of your turds can shut down an entire water park.
I went to the missing persons` beurau. No one was there.
Personal trainer said we`re going to try some dips today. I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese...He hates me.
Some days I just wish I was an octopus, so I could slap eight people at once.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
So exactly what age will I stop falling over while trying to put on my underwear?
Four out of five voices in my head are saying this is gonna` be a great day.
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.