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Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
Hi, it’s me. I can’t get to the phone right now, even though it’s right here in my hand.
Hey ladies, I just love "Austrailian" kissing...it`s a lot like "French" kissing only Down Under!
If any of you ever want your kitchen painted orange just give a six year old Cheetos for lunch and tell them not to make a mess. Works every time.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
Calling someone "stupid" is mean. Unless they actually are. Then it`s just a diagnosis.
I don`t think its a coincidence that "Sober" and "So bored" sound very much alike
It must be really hard to judge wet t-shirt contests. I saw one recently, and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
No, an erection is not considered personal growth.
The older I get the more use I have for the phrase "bite me."
Once you have to start paying a babysitter every time you go out, you realize most friendships aren`t worth it.
Liquid sanity: I call it alcohol..!!
Someone tore off my warning label when I was born.
A guy had his whole left side torn off, the doctor said he`s all right.