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I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
"It`s cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I`m so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don`t have to go to Facebook today. You`re welcome.
FYI: Push-up bras don`t actually help you do more push-ups :(
Walmart: the only place on Earth you can get a haircut, eye exam, ice cream sandwich, tires for your car, and witness a real life "what not to wear" episode.
Ways to tell a woman is mad at you: 1. She is silent. 2. She is yelling. 3. She acts different. 4. She acts the same. 5. She kills you.
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
I have a moderate amount of skills in life, but one of those things does NOT include the ability to stop eating.
Announcement: .. the Time Travelers Meeting scheduled for today will be held last Thursday
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
I wasn`t going to get so many groceries, but there was a new girl working today and she took my check.
Sorry I made fun of your erectile dysfunction, I hope there’s no hard feelings.
Dear middle finger: thank you for always sticking up for me.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That`ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Leave a comment if you`ve started drinking. Hit the `Like` button if you`re already sh!tfaced. *Cheers*