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is on a Mission. The magic leprechaun told me to follow the pink racehorse to the rainbow where the orange elephant is holding my skittles hostage
condoms prevent minivans
That moment when you offer somebody a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she`s not your friend anymore
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
Sometimes I wanna copy someone´s status word for word and see if they notice.
When a movie says "Based on a true story." it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
My girlfriend called me lazy the other day. I almost responded.
The day I understand females will be the day i`ll be officially known as Jesus
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
If you can’t love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot.
A coworker just wrote "Retard" on the windshield of my car. It`s taken me over an hour to lick it off!
If you like to make love while listening to music, always choose a live album. ..That way you`ll get an applause every 3 to 4 minutes. :)
I`m painting a blue square in the backyard... so Google Earth thinks I have a pool.
Anyone else pretend to work all day while thinking about big boobs instead?