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Crap, summer is here and I`m nowhere near in drinking shape yet.
"You go girl" - asking my girlfriend to move out, but sassy like
Alcohol free beer is like ... orgasm free sex
Give a fish some bread and he`ll eat for a day. Teach a fish to be a flying piranha and he`ll eat for a lifetime.
I`ve seen more pins in the last few days then stone cold steve austin on groundhog day..
Sometimes I feel like I get less attention than a white crayon.
Presidents’ Day is just another made up holiday to sell more presidents
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
What does envelope 1 of 3 on my credit card bill mean?
I love Christmas presents wrapped in bubble wrap... it`s like two gifts in one!!
When I`m all out of alcohol...haha! Just kidding! I`d never let that scenario become a reality.
7 billion people on this planet and I can`t find one who doesn`t annoy the f*ck out of me.
What if dogs bring the ball back because they think you enjoy throwing it?
Don`t let this historic Cubs World Series win distract you from the fact that Donkey never made Shrek those waffles he promised to make.
:): The Bipolar smiley face