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My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it`s there to stab potential taco thieves.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
You`re probably wondering how I post so much while maintaining a loving marriage and two amazing kids. The key is neglect.
When I find it, I don’t need it. When I need it, I can’t find it…
Subway is the only place I can walk in and ask for a 12 inch Italian and not feel like a slut.
My girlfriend told me that I’m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman ... What a Joker...
My dream job is a pharmacy cashier & yelling for a price check every time someone checks out anal ointment, condoms, & men buying maxi pads.
That moment when I try and be helpful to a blind man getting off the bus by saying, "watch your step"
One of my female friend is reading a book called "Learn to drive in a week" for the last 3 years.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
Being alone with my thoughts can be quite boring unless alcohol is involved
I have found my sleep number and it is eleven, eleven beers.
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"
Bad decisions make good stories.