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Maybe vodka is addicted to me
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
My doctor asked me if I drink to excess. I told him I would drink to anything.
OMG you guys! Almost hit a jogger while i was taking a selfie and driving today...so please you guys, be careful, do NOT jog.
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn`t mean to eat it. I don`t want to be a bug.
October is breast awareness month for women, men are usually aware of breasts all year round.
I`m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
You never know what you have until..... you clean your room
Hawaii is a great place to live if you hate being eligible for contests.
Well, it`s easy to tell I`m single. It`s Saturday night and I`m at home updating my facebook status...
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
Good morning friends … Wait … what the hell m I doing up this early?
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
"F*ck that sh!t", is a perfectly acceptable replacement for the word "no"