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first show me the benefits and then I`ll decide if we can be friends.
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
Pro tip: when you`re watching a show like "my five wives" with your wife, don`t suggest potential additional wives.
For the first time in my years of working I have been hard at work all day......dammm those pills!!!!
That moment when you are having a conversation in your head and you realize you are making faces that go along with the silent conversation.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said bet you can`t hit me with a quarter!
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
Coffee keeps me busy until it`s time to be drunk.
What do bats eat that makes their sh!t our standard for crazy?
Last person to like this wins a prize.
Why can`t someone look at me the same way I look at pizza?
If you`re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
The only thing I have learned so far in this company meeting is that this room has 37 ceiling tiles and 24 fluorescent bulbs.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.