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I believe in karma that means I can do bad things to people I don’t like and assume they deserved it.
My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
Sometimes you can tell it’s going to be a bad day when someone you don’t like is smiling.
they say "money cant buy happiness" but money pays for my internet connection and my vodka so im thinking maybe "they" are wrong
I finally got some "me time" being away from the kids. Two whole hours. Would have gotten more, but my knees started getting numb from crouching behind the dryer.
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Should hallways in mental institutes be called psycho-paths?
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don`t have a moon where I live.
All I want is to see you smile...that and maybe a pizza.
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
Life is basically just a constant effort to not be disgusting.