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I just found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock,,,, people expect less of you.
Saying that your company has been in business since the 1800`s isn`t a selling point. Slavery existed then too...
Some people think I say inappropriate things...I perfer to think of it as being f*cking honest.
The only thing I hate worse than holding a girl`s purse is when it doesn`t match what I`m wearing.
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
Just looked at the price of baby strollers. I think were gonna have an indoor baby.
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
You don`t need to use your words if you`re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
If Reincarnation ends up being real... Those People who got "YOLO" tattoos are going to look... Pretty Silly
These Jehovah`s Witnesses are getting creative. They are now knocking on my door dressed as cops saying they have a warrant.
Safety Tip: lock your doors and windows before bed. Btw, I love what you`ve done with the place.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won`t let me use their microwave.