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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky men that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped her.
Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
Most people donate to the homeless. Me? I donate to the topless.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever
My wife hasnt stopped looking through the window since it started raining. If it gets worse, I might have to let her back in...
A married man has 2 options in an argument...he can be right or he can be happy
I honestly have a fear that one day I`ll leave my house and not be wearing any pants!
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
I made a huge TO DO list for this weekend. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
I hope everyone takes my advice and never takes my advice.
I`m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
When someone walks away from me shaking their head, I totally agree.
I just thought you should know, I just did all the laundry and didn`t lose a sock to the dryer monster...