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feels like I`m forgetting to flip someone off today.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
"2 weeks with my baby xoxoxo" lol,calm down romeo&juliet.
It`s not their fault, per se, but at some point, Crayola has to be held responsible for continuing to make crayons nostril-width.
I’m not stealing my neighbor’s WiFi…their WiFi is trespassing into my house.
You know what makes sex awesome? Actually having it.
Hate to break it to you mom, but my friends do not care if my room is messy, They care whether or not there’s food
Judging by the amount of times I accidently cut myself on sharp objects it`s probably just as well real lightsabers aren`t available yet.
I make a great second impression.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
Decided to cut back on my beer drinking. Fortunately, this martini is helping me through this tough time.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
I’m just gonna let my pillow decide my hairstyle for tomorrow.
I think abs are for guys that don`t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.