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There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
India launched a rocket to Mars yesterday… That’s a heck of a place to put a call center.
They say love is in every corner... my life must be a f*cking circle!
If I had a time machine, I would just keep going back to bed.
A simple "good morning beautiful" text could make any girl smile for the whole day. ..but knocking on the bathroom window first to ask her number sort of ruins it for some reason.
I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I`ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.
Missed the gym yesterday.... That makes 11 years in a row.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
I overheard this guy bragging about his fancy hotel sweet. Ptttsht. They are nothing but cheap a$$ mints!
"I`m glad the weekends over" -Nobody ever
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
My grocery cart right now says ” I’m getting drunk and doing laundry tonight!” And also. “I like fruit.”
Key to a Happy Life: Get a job where people ask, “You actually get paid for doing this?”
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.