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The best part about being at work on Friday is that it gives me 9 hours to figure out what I`m going to drink tonight.
People who are offended by offensive things offend me.
She asked me for time and distance. I guess she wants to calculate velocity.
My ex-wife once left a note on the fridge: "It`s not working. I can`t take it anymore. Gone to stay with Friends." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold. Not sure what she was talking about!
Isn`t it strange that bankruptcy attorneys don`t let you make payments....
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
Reasons to get out of bed: None.
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
24 hours in a day.. 24 beers in a case.. coincidence?
My boss acts like during March Madness is the only time we`re less productive. Its cute
I hear you`ve been very naughty ... Go to my room!
If you watched the story of my life backwards, you`d see an incredibly inspirational story about hair growth, weight loss, and vastly improved athletic ability.
I am NOT high maintenance, I simply have more preferences than most.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.