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Dear Customer Service: First of all, you should know that I`m typing this with my middle finger.
My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
Sure, I was walking home from the bar drunk, but I wasn`t even stumbling. My guess is, the cops just had it in for naked people.
People with jobs: It`s Friday!!! People without jobs: It`s Friday?
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they`re the problem is the other half.
My husband told me that in some cultures women do all the housework, so I told him in some cultures blow jobs don`t exist. He`s vacuuming.
My credit card company called. They want me to leave home without it.
I try to do all my pooping at work. Cause if you can get paid to poop, you`d be a fool not to.
Starting tomorrow: Whatever Life throws at me… I’m gonna duck so it hits someone else.
I`ve noticed that the squirrels are gathering nuts for the winter. Couple of my friends are missing...
I`m a big advocate of the `You started it` method of defense in an argument.
Saw a brand new Prius totaled on my way home from work. Still had the window sticker. That would suck... Not to crash, but to drive a Prius.
I’ve never met a weekend that I didn’t like.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Hold on I`m about to count my money. Alright I`m done.