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Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
Ferris Bueller did more in one day than I did last year.
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
Currently helping my son look for his chocolate that I ate last night.
[boss calls me to office] We found a lot of disgusting porn on your computer. Thats a matter of opinion. Some may say it`s the right amount.
Once a month, women go completely crazy for about thirty days.
We all make mistakes .... I just do it better than everyone else.
Staring longingly at the door works for my dog, but I tried it at work and no one let me out. :(
I ordered a pizza when my wife went into labor. Thad ad said, "buy a pizza, and get free delivery.
If you put a "Student Driver" sign on top of your car, Nobody will ever suspect you of drunk driving.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
In my day we had to roll the windows up and down with our bare hands.
Now they are saying that the Zika virus is sexually transmittable. What kind of pervert is having sex with a mosquito?