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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
Hard work never killed anyone but why risk it?
Things I`ve learned: There`s no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball.
Work like you don`t have proof of citizenship, Love like you were on a reality TV show, and dance like you were being thrown 100 dollar bills at
"Lets all put our phones down and talk with each other.." - Someone who has run out of phone battery.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
I bought a pair of Meatloaf underwear today. On the front they say `I would do anything for love`. On the back, `But I wont do that!`
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
Boobs are like friends. Some are big. Some are small. Some are real. Some are fake. And some are just so fantastic you want everyone to meet them.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Don`t mistake my middle finger as an offer.
I`d have better people skills if I worked with better people.
Real friends show me their boobs
Warning: forgetting what pocket your keys are in may result in the Macarena.
Mondays feel like biting into a chocolate chip cookie only to find out it`s oatmeal raisin.