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I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
I only drank twice last week....Once for three days and once for four days
At work hitting the escape key...... Nothing is happening, im still here.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
I don`t plan anything as well as I plan which alcoholic beverage I`m going to consume once I leave work.
Sorry I missed your call. I took too long to answer because I was dancing to the ringtone.
The majority of Americans support sending Congress to Syria.
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
The fact that you don’t find me amazing doesn’t bother me at all, it just confirms what I have suspected all along; that you have bad taste.
My flock of sheep were stolen from my farm last month. I`ve not been able to sleep since.
I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."
Every time I go to the bank I ask if they are giving out any free samples.
Going through the dealership lot with the salesman, pointing at every car and asking, "what kinda robot does that one turn into?"