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What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
Have you noticed that tire stores never hang big banners that say "Blowout Sale"?
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
I just became a professional Counterfeiter, I even have the certificates to prove it.
Went down the gym and burnt 1200 calories today. I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven!
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
A woman that doesn`t ask for nothing deserves everything
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
There’s a reason why “sober” and “so bored” sound almost exactly the same.
Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
So I met an Egyptian ... they walk just like us.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
I need to tell you something. I know it is going to break your heart and maybe you will not talk to me after the bad news. But I want you to hear it from me first instead of hearing it from someone else. This is going to make you cry I know. I first thought I must just keep quiet about it but I know it will not be fair on you. I am so ashamed to have to do this but you need to know the truth. Don`t be mad at me please. I will understand if you never want to hear from me ever again but it m