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My wife said we should try some role reversal in bed last night. So I said I had a headache.
Now that my kids are getting older, I`m worried I`ll never have the opportunity to leave my wife for the nanny.
Birth Control Pills should be for men. It makes much more sense to unload a gun than to shoot at a bulletproof vest.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
Is life fair? Short answer, no. Long answer, nooooooo.
Hey ladies, I just love "Austrailian" kissing...it`s a lot like "French" kissing only Down Under!
Cant imagine the look on Obamas face when he saw `Olympus Has Fallen`..His next quote would have been.."No more Taiwans in the secret Elevetor office"
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
I want to follow my dream, but i dont want to look like a stalker
The relationship was going so well until I left my phone unlocked.
No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you.No thank you. I just want the oil change
My memory foam has amnesia
We used to be afraid people on the internet would find us in real life. Now we`re terrified people in real life will find us on the internet