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Society has put an unnecessary amount of effort into the advancement of yogurt.
I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Don`t worry. Your secret is safe with me. I wasn`t listening anyway.
When you’re old, my kids will be in charge. I’m so, so sorry.
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
A bird in the hand is the best way to eat chicken.
This year’s box-office revenue is down 20 percent from last summer. I’m not sure why that is, but I`ll bet you there’s a documentary on Netflix about it.
Setting the alarm clock proves I`m capable of making the same mistake every day.
I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."
How many servings of fruit are in a fruit roll up? I`m trying to take my diet seriously now.
The only rule of the Chess Club is to hide from the Fight Club.
Calories? I think you mean delicious points!
My horoscope says I will meet the woman of my dreams today. Not sure how my wife will take the news but I`m pretty damn excited.
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn`t a very good one.