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Whenever I screw up at work, I`m so glad I`m not a doctor.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
"I don`t know why people dislike jury duty. I think being able to play god with others` lives sounds fun!" - How I got out of jury duty
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
I work out ... Just kidding, I take naps.
What if Deja Vu meant you lost a life and you are starting back off at your last checkpoint.
Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend
went to the book store earlier to buy a Where´s Waldo book. When I got there, I couldn´t find the book anywhere. Well played Waldo, well played.
WTF, I feel like I pay these bills every month.
I was planning on doing something today, but I haven`t finished doing nothing from yesterday.
Life`s too short for Salad..............
I think instead of doing laundry I`m just going to buy a second hamper...
I`ve found that nowadays most people don`t like holding hands in public. Especially if you don`t know them.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says "declined" whenever you use it.
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.