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I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.
Life rarely hands me anything. Am I in the wrong line?
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
If a cannibal is late to dinner do they give him the cold shoulder?
Well...today is the day. Just gotta build up the nerve to tell my dog she is adopted.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog`s poop.
Have you seen that new golf ball that will automatically go in the hole if it comes within 4in of it. DO NOT carry it in your back pocket!
When your wife`s in labour, never sneak a look at the business end; it`s like watching your favourite pub burn down.
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
The most amazing thing about the internet is how it allows you, with the click of a few buttons, to do absolutely nothing with your life
One day I will solve all problems with grace & maturity. Today is not that day...
Did the Energizer Bunny finally stop going and going, and none of us even noticed it?
I see you’re playing stupid. Looks like you’re winning too.
Sometimes, my greatest accomplishment is just keeping my mouth shut.
When will they start calling marijuana dispenseries grass stations?