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It`s hard to compliment a fake person without lying.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
Some people say a true friend stabs you in the front. I’m gonna go ahead and say a true friend just puts the knife down.
If at first you don`t succeed then you`re a loser...
When I was your age, we drank water straight out of the sink.
I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.
Helpful Tip: Dont laugh when the cop says penal system ... oh and I need bail money again.
Gaining weight while you owe me money is a big sign of disrespect.
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
"I don`t trust you to not buy drugs" -people who give gift cards
Merry Christmas week! The time when it’s totally fine to put Peppermint Schnapps in your coffee every morning!
99% of people in this world are stupid, luckily I`m in the other 2%
The last time I was someone`s type, I was donating blood.
I went by the Gym today. Its the third time this week............. One of these day`s I might actually go in.
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.