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I don`t know why you put your boat in Sh!t Creek to begin with.
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It`s their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
I finally stopped caring what other people think. I hope everyone`s ok with that.
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
You don`t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
Don’t bother flirting with the girl from accounting, she knows how much money you really make.
Me: There has to be a way I can lose weight! Friend: Eat healthy? Exercise? Me: No, that`s not it. Keep thinking! We`ll figure this out.
Saw a bug crawling on my arm and my reaction can only be described as “grabbing for swirling dollars inside a plexiglas Cash Cube.”
According to new research, too much sex can cause memory loss. Finally, something that explains my ultra detailed photographic memory.
New favorite term: Multislacking. It’s nice to find a name for something you’re good at.
Friends are like boobs. Some are real, some are fake