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I would like to wish all of the groundhogs a very safe and happy Groundhogs Day.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
I`ve been wondering, If poison goes out of date and expires, does it become more or less deadly?
Happiness, is just a liquor store away.
There are two ways to go about arguing with a woman and neither one works.
I hope someone drives slightly slower in front of you on a crowded highway and you can’t pass.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
The hour that we lose this weekend is the one that I was planning on going to the gym.
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
I should be asleep, but there are a lot of things I should be.
I`m alone in my car ... Counting it as a vacation.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
Spent 40 minutes on the treadmill this morning. Next time I might turn it on.
I just lost my mood ring, I don`t know how I feel about that.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.