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You never know whats going on in your life until you’re f*cked up.
Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn`t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
Found out today you`re supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at the waffle house... just trying to help.
My Dr said I am a sex addict. I ask him how he knew and he said you are a man.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
I saw a bumper sticker today that said "I miss New York", so I smashed their window and snatched their laptop...
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
i was sooo funny i cracked me off.......
All single ladies, stop saying you should just give up and get a cat. If no man wants you, don’t force an innocent cat to live with you.
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I`m having sex ... Probably with the other sock.