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I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
There are no problems which cannot be solved through suitable applications of high explosives.
I`m gonna surprise my hand with some sex tonight!
If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting that you do.
I just read the words "untimely death" and thought, "Man, I hope my death is timely."
When one door closes and another one opens, it`s time to pack up and leave because your house is clearly haunted.
It`s so hard being a single mom when you have no kids and are a male teenager.
Pork is awesome, but it`s best when used as a verb.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
I am a very very very bad influence ... In a good way.
Underachieving Sunday through Wednesday, overachieving Thursday through Saturday.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
The only reason any of us can spell laboratory is because of Dexter.
If you want to be remembered after you die, borrow money from everyone you know.