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I`m going to stand outside. So, if anyone asks, I`m outstanding.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
I used to have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lived 150 miles away
Now that I`ve maxed out my 401k for the year, I`ll get a tattoo, said no one ever.
It saddens me to think that I`ll never be able to watch my own a$$ as I walk away :(
Just changed my dating profile headline to: “Seeking rich old men with bad hearts and no relatives” …crossing my fingers.
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
Hi, we`re a group of teens who solve mysteries! We wanna be taken seriously so we wrote a theme song about how we can`t ever find our dog.
Trust me ...... I can`t believe I`m still here either.
Too bad the little guy "Tattoo" from Fantasy Island isn`t around anymore. They could ask HIM where the plane is!
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for 2?” I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”
Just found out my daughter`s super power is repeating what I`ve said about others as soon as she meets them.
I get as much action as a white crayon.
Do you think all the giraffes sit around and watch Margaret in Nebraska give birth?
The best government job has to be assigning names to secret operations.