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Alway be nice to anyone that has full access to your toothbrush.
You call it being sober. I call it on my way to the liquor store.
I wonder how long I can keep "eating for two" before people notice I`m not actually pregnant.
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
The only dates I get are updates.
My boss told me to have a good day so I went home.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
eHarmony has a 24 month plan. How ugly do you have to be to need 2 years to find someone?
My mind says go to the gym but my heart says food.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
I`m not perfect, but I`m the best me there is or ever will be.
I don’t call it laying down anymore, I call it landscape mode.
I don’t want to think I’m getting old or anything, but all the noises I used to make during sex, I now make getting out of bed.
Just heard a lady say "When in doubt, get a pizza"... I don`t know who this woman is but she`s my new life coach.