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I`ve actually have come to the conclusion that some of today`s youth may actually believe "laughing out loud" is actually spelled "lol"
A box 5 lb. box of chocolates: $40, Valentines Day card: $3.75, not being yelled at for 35 minutes until the chocolate is gone: priceless!
Next time you go to the bank and they ask you if you`d like large bills, just look at them dead serious and say "No, normal size ones if you don`t mind."
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm ... So I peed on her
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
I think when a restaurant has "lobster celebration" it is very misleading to the lobster.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
Amnesia sounds so relaxing.
Word for the day is asstard
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
So, which one of you is going to be the subject of your local news` annual turkey fryer accident story?
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
Sorry I mispronounced your baby`s name you made up.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?