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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
I put the o in illiterate!
Guys... If the girl your getting down with doesn`t even have time to fake an orgasm..... It`s prob best you just make your sandwich
Summer is real cool until every f*ckin type of insect comes out of the 8th circle of hell.
The hardest thing about returning to work after a long weekend is remembering to fart quietly.
From what I can gather, men hit their sexual peak around age 18. And women hit theirs as soon as the divorce is final.
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
Don’t get me wrong. I totally hear what you’re saying…I just don’t care.
I keep my landline active because I know sooner or later Trinity or Morpheus will contact me.
I`m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
FYI....just in case something happens.....The cashier at the liquor store down the street is my emergency contact person.
If it wasn`t for physics and law enforcement, I`d be unstoppable.
It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I`m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.