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“Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?
Some people should be very grateful I don`t have mob connections.
I`m great in bed....i can sleep for days.
I lost a very close friend and drinking partner last week. He got his finger caught in a wedding ring.
I don`t lift so maybe I`m wrong about this, but I feel like Popeye might be focusing on his forearms too much.
Peppermint Schnapps, the mouthwash you can swallow
I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Be nice to nerds. You`ll probably be working for them one day
Can you imagine the reaction 20 years ago if you showed people a photo album filled with pictures you took of yourself in the bathroom?
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
My doctor said I need to workout with dumb-bells. Would any of you like to go jogging with me?
Whoever said time heals all wounds never had their leg bitten off by a shark.
I never use the phrase, "Your guess is as good as mine" because, well... it`s not.
I love giving orders. My favorite is "Another one. And make it a double."