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Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
If I had a time machine I`d go back to 900 A.D. and just scare the sh!t out of people with an electric toothbrush.
I think the spork would have caught on better if they called it "a forkin` spoon!"
After 20 yrs of marriage, my best move is to clean something unexpectedly.
went to see the conjuring, and now there`s 10 crosses, four bibles, and a poster of Chuck Norris in my room.
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have.
Slow dancing with a fat girl? More like moving a fridge by yourself.
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
If a single teacher can’t teach all the subjects then how could you expect a single student to learn all subjects.
I opened a bottle of wine to let it breathe. It didn`t. So I gave it mouth to mouth.
Golf ball sized hail wouldn`t be as destructive if we just made golf balls a lot smaller.
Grown up pandas eat for 12 hours a day. In related news, it turns out I’m not fat. I’m a panda.
If it was not for electricity, we would all be watching T.V. by candle light.
I am the type to fart in a crowded train and get just as upset as everyone else.
During the holidays people have to make a choice between enjoying the holidays or spending it with the relatives.