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You know you`re getting older when your friends start using the term "Pregnant" instead of "Knocked Up"
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
I would like to congratulate my ex`s new boyfriend on giving up blow jobs.
Women have a lot more experience dealing with bloodstains than men. Men are convicted of murder a lot more than women. Coincidence?
The snooze button, because there’s nothing like starting your day off with a little procrastination.
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
A few bad decisions really liven up a boring day.
Home Alone (1990, Comedy) Two burglars attempt to murder an abandoned 8-year-old child
Why do people say ``I saw it with my own eyes." Do they sometimes use other peoples eyes?
Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage?
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
I used to think I was overreacting. Now I realize it was a normal reaction to an abnormal amount of bullsh!t.
I`m at that "licking peanutbutter off a spoon" time to go grocery shopping point....
Mail from Grandma: FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:FW:No subject
Today, 2 year olds can unlock an iphone, open and close their favorite apps. All by themselves. When I was that age, I was eating silly putty.