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Where do homeless people find all these sharpies?
What kind of paperwork do I need to fill out to get a permit to set my children free in the wild?
When I see you in hell I`ll still ignore you
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
Must be my day for Mis-Advertizing --- I just ate a Bowl of Cheerios ----- and they DIDN`T make me Happy!!!! FML!!! :-P
I didn’t give you the finger. You earned it.
I should be able to take a sick day if I am sick of the people I work with.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
I get a real kick out of people who drive a mile in their car to run a mile on a treadmill.
Dearest Neighbors, Please do not call the police, it`s not domestic violence or a wild party. It`s football season, that`s just me screaming at my TV.
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
30 seconds left on the microwave ~ Women: set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone ~ Men: do the space shuttle countdown
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.
Why do we call it the Sun instead of a space heater?