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not to brag but I finished this 14 day diet in 3 hours and 38 minutes.
I love that sound you make when you shut the hell up.
“Hangover” makes it sounds like it’s all done now. I’d like to propose the term “hanghappening”.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
If you laid out all of the people in the world who were ever mean to me, I could then drive my car over them.
I just saw a poster that said, "Have you seen this man?" with a number to call ... So I called the number and told them, "no."
The first thing I do when I get a telemarketer call is say "Let`s go off script. What are you wearing?"
When the nurse calls my name at the doctor’s office, I like to run through the waiting room like I got called on The Price is Right.
My theory: Every squirrel you see is currently on a dare from another squirrel
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
Waitress: `Do u have any questions about the menu?` Me: `What kind of font is this?`
If I were to give up Sarcasm, that would leave interpretive dance as my only means of communication.
Sex in the City is the prequel to The Golden Girls, right?
There was no bonus fry at the bottom of the bag. But the story has a happy ending. I found it later in my sports bra.