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“I don’t watch tv” proudly says a person who spend 8 hours a day on the internet.
Sleeping alone is a complete waste of my sexual talent.....
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t know where to shop and where to spend it
If I agree with you, we would both be wrong.
This skinny girl just told me she "forgets" to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it`s contagious.
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score last night!
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
Shout out to weathermen telling us the barometric pressure like we know what the hell to do with that information.
I wish I could have the Price Is Right audience around whenever I’m making important life decisions.
I just sprayed Citrus Fabreeze in my bathroom... Now it smells like Sh*trus
Seems like 2013 was just yesterday.
I was so angry when I found my wife’s profile on a dating website. That lying b!tch isn’t “fun to be around.”
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.