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Can`t wait to be full of Christmas beer! I mean cheer. No, I definitely mean beer.
Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
For once I`d like to see "It`s been a crappy year, mainly cause your were part of it"
Does the sleeve tat go with my male pattern baldness and pot belly? Asking for a friend.
Turns out people who say they love hot sauce on anything are liars. In other news, I`ve recently been banned from making the classroom coffee.
Don´t believe all the rumours you hear about me, the truth is much worse.
I’m not the friend you put on speaker phone.
I got my stomach by doing as many crunches as I can everyday. Usually either Nestle or Captain.
Every Instagram caption should just be, "ARE YOU JEALOUS OF MY LIFE YET??"
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
If opportunity doesn`t knock, build a door.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.
If my grandmother were alive today, I`m pretty sure she`d still have her blinker on.