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Alcoholic? No. Self-appointed booze quality control technician? Yes.
If Shrek can find love, so can you. What I`m trying to say is, you look like Shrek
*Food hits floor* Little Germs: “Let’s get it!”King Germ: “No, we must wait 5 seconds!”
Thou shall not promote Christmas until after Thanksgiving.
My doctor says each piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off your life... If my math is right, I should`ve died in 1781...
Just got in 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick an ice cube up off the kitchen floor.
So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I`m on Facebook, I don`t have money or a life.
Yea...sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
I am better off now than I was 4 beers ago...
I`m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off lights to save the environment. I tried it once, and I nearly killed some guy on a bike.
There are plenty of fish in the sea ...That`s cool and all....but I`m a human.
What do you mean casual Friday does not mean drink wine and get drunk at work
I wouldn`t say I`m a stalker so much as I am a covert observation enthusiast.
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.