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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
I won`t be impressed with technology until I can download food.
I don`t like thinking before I say something. I like to be just as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
I hate it when chicks wear pink camo. I`m like, "girl" where you hiding? Candyland?
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
Mom: You haven`t moved since I left 5 hours ago? Me: Excuse me, where do you think these chips came from!!???
Some of my best memories are naps.
After joining Facebook, my TV became radio.
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
The other night, I posted on Facebook I was going to sleep shirtless. The next day I logged on and saw 7 mosquitoes "like" this.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.