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Any psycho girls wanna hang out? Just text me like 5000 times and let me know.
When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
The guy that thought of wrapping other food items in bacon deserves an award.
When i am bored, i like parking along side the xpressway stick a hair dryer out the window, and watch everyone slam on their brakes.
Today I will kick a$$, and make dreams happen...but first, Coffee.
great minds and dirty minds have something in common, they think alike
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
These ‘energy saving’ light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.
Why can`t my coworkers just play on the Internet like normal people instead of trying to engage me in conversation.
Dear who ever’s reading this, I could be naked right now and you would never know.
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
I wonder how many people read my statuses and say `I hope he`s getting professional help`?
The number of red lights you will hit while driving are directly proportional to how bad you have to pee.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
My plans for GTA 5: Beat the crap outta people, Steal a cops gun, Jack a convertible, Rob a bank, Jump off a building, Go to GameStop, Buy GTA 5