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Who´s up for Candyland? $20 buy in
If you see me smiling it`s because I`m thinking of doing something evil or naughty ... If you see me laughing it`s because I`ve already done it
Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34C
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
"I’m not drunk!” is an argument only very drunk people think they can win
I can`t decide what`s more embarrassing - the fact that I still live out of a suitcase, or that I`m a professional ventriloquist dummy.
We`re all mature until someone pulls out bubble wrap.
Life..it`s just an `F` in lie....
I read in a book somewhere that we only use 12% of our brains....I wonder what the other half is for?
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
I have the ability to drive people crazy. I`m not sure if I was born with it or if I learned it. But damn am I great at it.
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
I feel like a nickle in the March of Dimes.