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If you really want to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Parents: Where are you going at this time of the night all dressed up like a slut? Daughter: To the bathroom, I need a new Facebook picture.
I think ugly people have children just to prove to everyone they had sex.
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
I`m so bored at work that I`m actually doing my job.
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Just spent the last 30 minutes cutting a Batman mask off the back of a box of Honey Nut Cheerios & my kid thinks he`s gonna get to wear it.
Drinking Game: Tape a fake mustache to your TV. Drink every time it lines up with someone`s face.
Every time I see a pregnant woman, I very much want to ask if she swallowed a watermelon seed.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
I just went dumpster diving.. and hit the mother load. Tons of dude gear and tools! It smelled of angry white woman.
If banks were as fiercely regulated as McDonalds breakfast cut off time, there’d be no problems.
I called McDonald`s to make a reservation for Valentine`s Day, just to listen to the stammering and confusion from the kid answering the phone.