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Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
We live in a society that’s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
You know you are getting old when you see girls from TEEN category moved to MATURE & MILFS.
One of the most important things in life is perserverance. Hang on...perseveren...no, perserveer...pesever… oh, never mind.....
Boys are like roses, watch out for the pr!cks...
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
Three weeks without a signal typo!
A woman that doesn`t ask for nothing deserves everything
Look for my new diet book: "How To Work Out And Watch What You Eat And Still Gain Plenty Of Weight"
There is a very fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."
I believe in sharing the road with other drivers. They can have the part behind me.
I want you to know that whatever problems you`re having, I`m here to read about it on Facebook
I wanted to book an Elvis impersonator for a party so I phoned them up and got a call centre. It said `press 1 for the money, 2 for the show.`
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch yesterday.
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.