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I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
If my "friends" post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
When I bang my toe against something, it’s like I pressed a button that plays every curse word I know.
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
I`d be amazing at life if I was only asked to sit and play on the computer all day.
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
FYI: You have to stop Facebook posting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
"I`m not drunk" - Biggest Friday Night Lie.
Okay restaurants. Enough with the clever bathroom signs. A simple M and F will do. Sincerely, drunk people.
Every time I`m not with my kid and someone asks me "Where`s the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.
When dealing with women, you can either be right or get laid. You can`t have both.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
My kid go from "omg...you`re impossible I can`t wait until I`m 18!" To "You`re the best mom ever" in a matter of $100