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As you Mature... you learn that you cannot make someone love you.. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in..
I always shout "PIZZA`S HERE" so the delivery guy doesn`t think I`m eating two pizzas by myself.
When my boss is in town, I set out pictures of kids on my desk. They aren`t my kids but he`d never fire a Mom of seven, right?
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
I´ll never be old enough to know better.
Whenever I`m sad, you`re there. Whenever I`m having problems, you`re always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you`re always there. Lets face it. You`re bad luck.
I answered the door in my underwear. That WAS the tip, pizza guy!
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
I wish these people who sing songs on the radio would learn the words to the song, they keep messing me up!!
?”Nobody listens to me….” – Yellow traffic light
These energy drinks make sitting on the couch so much more exciting.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it`s not in my way.
Hello, fire department? Is this Mr. February? Yeah, I`m stuck in a tree. Uh, I mean... meooow.