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If it’s called tourist season, why can’t you shoot at them?
Whats the difference between a phone number & an opinion? People ask for your phone number.
I am the reason why Waldo is hiding.
This Donut-Scented Car Air Freshener will more than pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
I said "Candyman" 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
I really like compliments but I don`t want anyone talking to me...
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
I have the body of a God. Unfortunately, it`s Buddha.
I was in the gym earlier and decided to jump on the treadmill. People were giving me weird looks, so I started jogging instead.
I don`t get it. If violets are blue, why do we call them violets?
If I could bring one dead person back to life I`d bring back Walk Disney. Just to show him the shows on Disney channel and see his reaction..
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
Did a 5k today. Except it was how many calories I had at lunch.
Adult movies now available in 3D?!? Some thing I just don`t want to see flying at my face.