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It should be standard for wedding invitations to state if there will be an open bar or not.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
That awkward moment when the mosquito is more interested in persistently banging it`s head against the windshield of your vehicle in an attempt to escape your presence than it is in trying to bite you. #feelingunattractive
Don’t look unless you’re prepared to see.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
People are always gonna talk about you, so you might as well give them something good to say.
Paused Willy Wonka and The Chocolate Factory to go buy a Snickers. This is why I can`t watch Breaking Bad.
I should win an Oscar for acting like I`m busy at work.
My friend told me he`s going to have a sex change. Apparently, he just wants to eat, drink, and be Mary.
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
Telling people your phone is gonna die, But you really just don’t want to text them.
I`m tired of being the better person. One day I`d like to be the b!tch they claim I am.
I won employee of the month!!!…. again! I love being self employed.
A woman just dropped a 20 dollar bill next to me. I thought, `What would Jesus do?`, so I turned it into wine ... Well, I bought wine.