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Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
Sandals or shoes? I have adorable toes. All 12
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
I`m glad it`s finally hot enough to complain about how hot it is.
Going to one of those places where you chop down your own Christmas tree, and then try to get away before they catch you.
I’m “had to actually call a girl on the home phone to ask her out while hoping my mom didn’t pick up and start dialing” years old.
Nothing like a brisk morning jog to start the day! Just kidding! I don`t do that.
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
The true definition of safe sex is having a padded headboard.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
I ruined my health by drinking to everyone else’s.
I’ve learned to use meditation to handle stress. Just kidding, I’m on my third glass of wine.
Every conversation should come with a snooze button. That way if you`re being too boring, I can push a button and keep you from talking for the next 10 minutes.
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.