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According to astronomy, when you wish upon a star, You`re actually a few million years late. That star is dead, just like your dreams.
It may not look like it, but I`m actually very handsome.
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
I hate it when 18 wheelers blow their horns while Im driving, that sh*t wakes me up!
Every job in the world should require their employees to enter and leave work in a Soul Train line.
My idea of getting lucky is having someone else do the laundry.
Money can’t buy you happiness? Well, poverty can’t buy you anything.
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
I`m a very modest person, mostly because I`m awesome.
What do we want? An end to auto-correct errors! When do we want it? Cow! Sow! Bow! Tow! Duck this...
I`m confused by this "It`s 5 o`clock somewhere" statement. Bars open at 11. Idiots.
Pokémon means a totally different thing if you`re stuck in prison.
I don`t have a drinking problem........I just celebrate everything!!! Like the fact that I have pants on, I`ll be celebrating that tonight.
Do you want to hear a joke about constipation and dementia? ...Well, tough sh!t, I forgot it.
Do you like the strong, silent type? Then you`ll love my farts.