Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
School taught me a lot of stuff, but the most useful was how to get ready in 15 minutes
If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
At work, sometimes I secretly brew decaf coffee in the normal pot so that everyone else works at my pace.
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy, if you put it in your stomach first.
My doctor wrote me a prescription for dailysex but my girlfriend insists it says dyslexia.
Peanut butter sandwiches taste better when cut in half diagonally...........Listen,, I don`t make the rules people.
To make it stand, you wet it. To make it wet, you suck it. To make it stiff, you lick it. To get it in, you push it. Threading a needle isn`t easy.
You’re not yourself today. I noticed the improvement immediately.
If your girlfriends cat gets eaten by an angry pitbul terrier, gently singing "The circle of life" into her ear WILL NOT cheer her up.
Help I`m covered in chameleons & no one believes me
Sign in a grocery store: Take lettuce from top of stack, or heads will roll!
After reading some marriage post, I`m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.