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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
I wonder if angry people know about naps?
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
You never know a person until you walk in their shoes, or until you check their browser history.
Why isn’t “cheating” a relationship status on Facebook?
I just ran butt a$$ naked through Walmart yelling "Stop that shoplifter! she got my clothes!"
Calling your girlfriend by her Moms name during a fight is a great way to escalate the situation.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
Cops love donuts…. just not when you do them on a four lane highway.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
Life is tough. Put on your big girl panties and deal with it like the rest of us.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
I just discovered my oven CAN CLEAN ITSELF! Naturally I will be searching my apartment looking for similar buttons.
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.