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I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
My ex wife claims I have "commitment issues" like I didn`t just wait in line for 30 minutes to get a hot dog at Costco.
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
How about putting that screaming kid on vibrate
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
Never squat with your spurs on
My house has really let itself go.
I don’t make mistakes too often, but when I do it’s your fault.
If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.
It`s all shits and giggles till someone giggles and shits
How strict is the "I licked it, it`s mine" policy? There`s some things I`ve licked that I don`t want.
When I die I`m going to go to heaven and God is going to be like nope, remember what you said on Facebook
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
The race to get Dad a Christmas present usually ends in a tie.