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The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?” Facebook is worse than my parents.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
Our phone falls, we panic... our friends fall, we laugh.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Awkward moment when you don’t know if you were offered gum out of generosity or if your breath stinks.
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
Sharing your faith on Facebook is like sharing a fart in a elevator. It might feel nice to come out but no one really wants to hear it.
Please just put it in the fridge.... We`ll throw it away next week.
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
For the life of me, I can’t understand why small and medium pizzas exist.
My idea of drinking responsibly is using a coaster.
If it`s alcoholic anonymous. Why do the members stand up an in-troduce them selves?