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I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
Growing up is when you go from using drugs for fun to using drugs for survival.
Maybe cologne should come with a two sprays a day lock on it.
"It`s cold!", "Happy birthday!", "I`m so blessed", "Political rant!"... There, now you don`t have to go to Facebook today. You`re welcome.
About 110,000 people contract chlamydia each month, more than signed up for Obamacare. Obamacare is less popular than chlamydia.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
If I had to describe myself in one word it would be “doesn’t know how to follow directions.”
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
I try not to laugh at my own jokes… but we all know I’m Hilarious.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
I`ll be damned if after the 5 longest minutes of my life i am going to "allow to cool in microwave for 1 minute"!
Bored? Text "Our condom broke." to a random number
They`ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that`s been open for more than 2 years.
The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he’s too old for it.