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World Cup Soccer? If I wanted to watch someone struggle to score for 90 minutes, I`d go watch some of my single friends at the bar.
I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
You know it`s been a good day when you finally take your pajamas off - and put some new ones on.
Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
Actually I don`t think it would be all that hard to get out of a pickle.
“Get your panties in a bunch” would make a great slogan at Costco.
If you think nobody cares if you´re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
I guess I’ll take my Christmas tree down today.
Mom said angels are watching over me. I`m just afraid they`re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
I`m gonna hang a Batman costume in my closet just to screw with myself when I get Alzheimer`s.
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
The internet is full of cats because dog people actually go outside.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?
Who wants to go Smart Car Tipping?