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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
Tonight’s forecast. Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
For years I thought hitchhikers were just complimenting my driving.
It`s a shame that stupidity can`t be converted into a usable energy source.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering "You look fat in those pants".
Using a public restroom always reminds me how much better I am at flushing a toilet than a lot of other people.
Could you imagine if guys commented on their guy friends` profiles the way girls do? "Bro, you look so handsome" "Looking hot, man!" "OMG, your jawline is cray" "Ugh, how are you this perfect dude? I`m jelly" "sexy much?!"
How many decades of knowing someone before it`s rude to ask what their name is?
I am fluent in three languages: English, Profanity, and Sarcasm
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
It`s called fall because everything is falling; leaves, temperature, bank account, gpa, motivation...
Weekends will from now on begin on Wednesday because that is when it should truly begin!
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.
“I’m going to be a little bit late” -people that are going to be very late