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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
ASKHOLE: A person who constantly ask for your advice, yet always does the opposite of what you told them
I feel so stupid for cashing in my retirement account early. But then I always feel stupid using the Coinstar machine.
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn’t seem so bad now.
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
When a girl tells you that she just had her period, you are officially in the friendzone.
All the desirable things in life are either illegal, expensive or married.
Fire at will! Oh, it`s you, Bob! Fire at Bob!"
Time to turn over a new leaf ... With my luck it’ll be poison ivy.
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
If by time, you mean vodka, then yes, time does heal all wounds.
To all the students who drop out of high school: Remember two things, 1) You tried your best. 2) I don`t like pickles on my BigMac.
The Spanish version of the Subway jingle “65.63 Peso 0.3 meter largo” isn’t quite as catchy…