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Urban Dictionary has saved me from asking so many awkward questions.
I am looking at this online special deal at Disneyworld and thinking no, my kids can annoy me just fine right here at home.
Similarities between BRA and BAR 1. Both have similar letters 2. Both are drinking zones 3. When both opened men go crazy "prove me wrong"
The only thing that makes me happy about the launch of a new model cell phone is that I can finally afford the previous model.
I wonder if Alex Trebek’s tombstone will say ‘Who was the host of Jeopardy?’
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
You know you`re getting old when you fall down and wonder what else you can do while you`re down there.
I really thought 2015 had potential to be “my year” but we’re 2 months in and that ship has sailed so I’ll try again for 2016.
I’m glad we don’t have to hunt for our food any more. I don’t even know where sandwiches live...
There’s no worse feeling than realizing your wife has fallen asleep & you’ve spent the last 20 minutes watching Real Housewives by yourself.
I start a lot of conversations with "goodbye" in hopes that I trick people into thinking we already talked.
Shouting "Shotgun" will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
I`m so lonely that my cat owns a cat.
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
You`re such a slut, the only reason why you wear panties is to keep your ankles warm.