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The majority of life`s greatest lessons are learned while observing your drunk friends.
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
To drink, or not to drink?...what a stupid question!
I don`t always drink beer. But when I do, I always lie about not always drinking beer.
Adulthood is mostly about being tired and wishing you hadn’t made plans.
Today is National Take Your Flask To Work Day. I just made it up. Tell the others.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
I got pulled over for drunk driving last night... In my defense I didn`t even know I was driving.
It’s pretty scary that before facebook… All these thoughts and stuff just stayed in peoples heads.
Facebook: A place where people, who know so little about anything, have so much to say about everything.
My relationship is mostly me apologizing for saying something super bada$$ and hilarious
No, I do not want to talk about how I got all these scratches. On a completely unrelated note; If you`ve ever wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase,,,.. it’s 9.
It`s not my official job but basically all I do is piss people off.
I hate it when I fill my blowup doll with helium and then she plays hard to get...
True self control is waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn.