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I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you`re up to. :)
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
I hate it when you follow your dreams and wind up in a dumpster in the back ally of an IHOP.
They say when life gives you lemons….but what if life hands you a rather large banana? What then, my friend? What then?
I’m pretty busy today, so if you could just go ahead and offend yourself for me that would be great. Thanks!
The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
is trying to decide ... laundry today or naked tomorrow
I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
Sometimes I feel like people I know are just using me for my likes.
Guys, how many times have you said "it looks great honey" when you really are just laughing inside?
If you still can read this, please inform me ASAP because I have probably blocked the wrong person!
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
Since joining Facebook, about 8 aggressive lampposts have walked up to me in the street and punched me in the face.
Once my ex knocked on my door & then shouted that it was her, so I texted “im not home” then seconds later I texted “if u happen to be here”