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Just want to apologize to all the unlucky men that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped her.
If I were invisible I`d go beat up a street mime...the applause he would get would be incredible
Psychology — Even trying to spell it correctly screws with your head.
Happiness is using an ATM and finding a receipt left by someone with an account balance lower than yours.
When does paying taxes get shut down? Asking for everyone with a job.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
Nice meeting you, but I forgot your name as soon as you said it...
Before asking a hot chick out, I wish I could first talk to the dude who`s sick of her bullsh!t.
I’ve decided to get rid of my bad habits…just as soon as equally satisfying good habits become available.
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
When someone says "everything happens for a reason" I`d like to smack them and say "yeah, I guess you`re right"
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.
"Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.
Trying to understand some people is like trying to pick up a turd by the clean end.