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The only thing worse than dramatic girls facebook statuses…dramatic guys Facebook statuses.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means he can eat anything off the floor if he waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
Dad, I love how we don`t even have to say out loud that I`m your favorite. Happy Fathers Day!
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
I hate it when you`re buying stuff off the Internet and the bank calls to check to see if your card has been stolen. Sure, it seems nice, but then you have to explain to lady on the phone that no, it was not stolen, you really are the one who bought a subscription to bustyblondes.com
I like to take, long, romantic walks, to the fridge. <3
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
People that are organized are just too lazy to look for things.
Hash browns not tags.
Why hasn`t anyone written a sequal song to "Jessie`s Girl" ... Where he discovers what an incredible high maintenance drag she is?
I`m so deep in the friendzone that I`ve met her boyfriends parents
Dear small line of dirt that wont go in the dustpan… Screw you.
It’s sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his crappy ACME gadgets, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.