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Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
Coffee...Meet your Maker!
I’m at the doctor’s office & they don’t know why I have this rash on my balls. Guess I’ll wait for the Dr, these other patients are clueless.
My neighbors don`t appreciate it when I skip along the property line, singing "This Land is My Land."
Apparently beer contains female hormones. After you drink enough you can neither drive nor shut the hell up
Life is so unfair, why do we always want what we don`t have? For example, right now I want tacos
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
People like you are the reason people like me need medication.
(Apocalyptic world) "Well guys......there goes our last female"
Stop saying I`m hard to shop for. Surely you know where the liquor store is
I don`t make a very good first impression, but if you hang around, my forty-third one is pretty cool.
You can either be right, or you can be the husband.
Pizza will never tell you you`re fat unless you`re high as sh!t, then pizza is probably suggesting you fight an aardvark to lose weight.
I met a guy exactly like my father so I brought him home and my mom shot him.
My boss hates it when I shorten his name to D!ck, Especially since his name is Steve.