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Late to bed and early to rise, makes me really tired and pissed off.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
Spilling a full beer you paid for is the adult equivalent of letting go of a balloon.
Keychains were invented so that you can lose all of your keys at once.
Ate salad for dinner! Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. I ate a pizza.
Imagine how creepy the first guy to dress up as a clown must have been, where in hell did he get that idea?
The wet spot in my bed is tears
The best black Friday deal ... sleep - $0.
I was stood in front of the mirror last night, admiring my six pack. Then it occurred to me, why the f*ck am I not drinking it?
I’m not going to vacuum until Sears makes one you can ride on.
Walmartians: Nothing says `FML` like these curious abominations of the shopping world.
Dear whoever ate my fries while I was in the ball pit at McDonalds... Not funny, grow up.
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I’m doing.