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When your girlfriend or wife says "lol have fun", do not have fun. Abort mission. I repeat. Abort mission.
I end a lot of my sentences with "just saying`, because saying, "you idiot" is considered offensive.
Ill be in my office giving co-workers the silent treatment ..by sending them blank emails.
No one’s going to do it for you. It’s up to just you to make naps a priority in your life.
Hello customer service, I ate two happy meals and I’m still not happy
I just apologized to my wife for something she did wrong. Marriage is fun.
Just used the holiday card with your kid`s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
So this guy with a premature ejaculation problem comes out of nowhere.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that if you encounter enemies then you’re going the right way.
My Ex texted me."please delete my number."I replied,"Who`s this??"
My life has a great cast, but I can’t really figure out the plot.
I fell asleep with infomercials playing on the TV.... I woke up with a strange desire to do P90X with a Shake Weight while in my Snuggie
It’s called sarcasm, and it confuses stupid people.
You could pleasure me just by walking away.
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.