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I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
It`s all fun and games until you find out she`s a psychotic bitch...
How did the person who invented the first clock know what time it was?
Men are like lottery tickets. Very exciting at first, until you scratch away the surface to reveal the loser beneath.
I feel like water solves all problems. Wanna lose weight? drink water .. clear face ? Drink water.. Tired of your better half? Drown them
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
You are the pebble in my shoe of people
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I just ate Pasta and Anti-Pasta, but they annihilated each other, now I am hungry again.......
If your dog is fat it means that you don`t get enough exercise.
Won’t go back in my bathroom until spider is gone! Web search for “spider life span” reveals I will be able to shower again in 1 to 2 years.
Sexual education classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for 5 hours straight while watching the same cartoon on repeat.
Hey you! Yea you ... Don`t just pass by my status and not say hi.