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My driver`s side window stopped working,,,, So yeah,, I`m probably gonna starve to death..
Just so you know, the movie "Life of Pi" has nothing to do with dessert.
Ended a relationship today. Don`t worry, it wasn`t mine.
Warning: this life contains strong language, adult situations and nudity.
I am sick of people thinking deodorant is optional.
When you are on a first date and she says to you: “I want you to treat me like a movie star,” it is vitally important to establish which type of movie.
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
If you`re stuck in a group text, one easy way to get out is to throw your phone in the ocean and start a new life.
"Bros before hoes" is something a bro without a hoe would say.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
I think I might be bisexual. Because last night I had sex by myself.
is here. Now what are your other two wishes?
You know one thing i really like about you is that you dont like anything about me.
I may not be the smartest guy in the world, or the richest guy in the world, or the best looking guy in the world, but.... Oh, hell. Now I`m depressed.
You know you’re a mom, when someone says they have a stomach ache and you ask if they pooped today.