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Before I had kids I never really reflected on life`s little mysteries. For example, why is my toothbrush under the couch?
Remember, You’re only young once, but you can be immature forever.
good boys go to heaven bad boys go every where
Aren`t you too fat to be this rude?
I heard Disney bought and are relocating the White House to Disneyland. They Say, it will be the new Center Piece of FANTASY LAND.
If you ever feel sad and blue, just remember that somewhere in the world, there`s a fat kid who just dropped his ice-cream.
So many people are making history right now. but me, I`m deleting history from my browser.
I was only 6 numbers away from winning the powerball.
Time travel means never having to say you`re sorry...
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Marriage. Because your sh*tty day doesn`t have to end at work
I want to meet the guy whose complaint led to cashiers asking me if it`s okay if they put the receipt in my bag.
Want someone to stop texting you? Sleep with them.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
My doctor told me to eat more bacon cheeseburgers. Well, what he technically said was to eat "less pizza", but I`m pretty sure I know what he meant.