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I`m thinking about investing some serious cash in gold....or maybe some other color.
It`s the simple things that make me laugh....mostly you.
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
Without stupid people we would have no one to laugh at.
Wake up, kids! Bees can`t even read, much less spell. IT`S A SCAM!
I wonder how long I`ll be skinny from all this dieting and juicing I`ve been doing. 1 month? A year? A couple of ye....ooh look cake.
I spend the first half of work fantasizing about all the different places I could go for lunch.
My internet went down. By which I mean my neighbors changed their password.
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
Non alcoholic beer is like porn movie on a radio
It’s called “Karma” and it’s pronounced “Haha, f*ck you!”.
1) Go to Starbucks 2) Order coffee 3) Tell them your name is Waldo 4) Leave
There are 15 year olds skating in the Olympics and I can’t even walk down my driveway in winter.
I finished your laundry, the ashes are in the fireplace.
Your secrets are safe with me! Odds are, I wasn’t even listening.