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Guy asked me where a public phone was. I told him 1987.
I just researched the medicinal name for Viagra..... MYCOXAPHAYLYN
If you can`t handle me at my worst...I don`t blame you, neither can I.
I can’t believe it’s 2012 and there is still no fold button on my dryer.
All I`m saying is why blame it on being lazy when you can blame it on being old...
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
The only 2 things that I love and enjoy about being an adult is having sex and drinking alcohol.
As long as there is an open textbook in front of you, nobody will question what you are doing on your laptop.
If you have trouble getting your children`s attention, just sit down and look comfortable.
My doctor asked if any members of you family suffers from insanity, I replied "nope they seem to enjoy it!"
Is there a phobia for leaving the house when your phone isn`t fully charged? There should be.
I have some jokes about unemployment but they need some work.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex. Now it`s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two, but the more important question is, how did they get in there in the first place?